Deciding Who We Want to Be Now
A Conversation Worth Having
“I’ve moved on from despair to denial,” someone told me last week.
I laughed—like many of us, feeling that I’ve been on that trajectory, too.
Despair and denial are typical stages of adjustment to unwelcome news. But there is a third stage that is infinitely more important because it marks the moment when we get back in the game.
That stage is deciding.
I don’t mean making decisions about “What now?” — as in, what actions will we take to defend democracy, equality, and the natural world in the face of growing challenges? I mean decisions about “Who now?”—as in, who do we want to be in response to these challenges?
Who Do We Want to Be?
Some people, of course, don’t have the luxury of engaging in this kind of reflection. Certain leaders must make immediate strategic decisions. Godspeed to them.
But for the rest of us, this holds true:
When confronted with a significant new challenge,
deciding who we want to be before deciding what we want to do
leads to wiser decision-making and more durable resilience.
From an organizational perspective, this is ultimately about employee engagement, as research published in 2022 in The American Review of Public Administration reveals a connection between identity, values, and engagement.
So, let’s unpack the question:
If the incoming administration upholds its promises about 2025 and beyond, who do you want to be in the face of growing attacks on democracy, human rights, and the environment?
Do you want to be fearful or courageous?
A bystander or an everyday hero?
Someone who adapts to destructive forces—or someone who continues to honor the ideals of democracy, equality, and the safeguarding of nature?
Who Do We Want to Be With Others?
These questions also extend to our relationships. For example: Who do you want to work with, be inspired by, and inspire? And, more pointedly, who do you want to be in relationship to neighbors, family members, and colleagues who voted for a leader whose values we find antithetical to your own?
I was fortunate to reflect on these questions in the virtual company of several wise teachers during a retreat at the Upaya Zen Center last weekend. Roshi Joan Halifax, Terry Tempest Williams, and Rebecca Solnit each shared helpful insights.
But one moment, in particular, stood out.
It came in a prerecorded message from Christiana Figueres, a heroine of the climate movement and a key architect of the Paris Climate Accord.
Building Bridges in Divided Times
As she prepared for the birth of her first grandchild, Figueres acknowledged that she had considered cocooning with her family during these turbulent times. But seclusion leads to weakness, she said.
So, she was looking to the work ahead—specifically, to building bridges by engaging in deep listening with those who did not share her values related to climate action.
“This,” she said, “is the toughest life challenge yet, and one that awaits all of us who want to till the ground for future generations.”
In other words, she decided who she wanted to be going forward.
Conversations Worth Having
These are not the kinds of conversations we often have. Studies show that more than 70 percent of people avoid difficult conversations in the workplace.
But perhaps the time has come.
After all, research reveals a clear connection between discussing hard topics in the workplace and productivity, culture, and engagement.
I think of them simply as conversations worth having to help us make the decisions worth making so we can continue the work worth doing.
Reflection and Discussion Questions
Here are a few questions you might begin thinking about—or, better yet, discussing:
What would you fight for even if you knew you would lose?
What gift do you believe you have to bring to this moment?
Do you believe that among the uncertainties before us, there is a possibility that something good can emerge—that we will grow from the very act of engagement?
I’d love to hear your reflections here or in a DM.
In 2025, I will help mission-driven leaders and teams have these conversations through coaching and facilitated workshops. If you’d like to learn more, please message me.