The Many Benefits of Gateway Conversations
Improved Well-being, Relationships, Problem-Solving -- to Name a Few
I was raised in a family that didn’t talk about difficult topics. We didn’t talk about the parent with the drinking problem. The neighborhood kid who committed suicide. The reasons we sometimes felt sad or angry or scared. We just “kept on keeping on”—showing up as polite, hard-working, responsible people.
As a child, this was confusing for me, as it is for many children. (This is why fairytales play such an essential role in children’s development, as Bruno Bettelheim observed. Hearing stories about bad things that happen in life helps children because they already wonder about these things even if adults are not talking about them.)
But talking, or not talking, about challenging topics is not a matter that affects children alone. It affects all of us because talking about hard things is how we make sense of our lives. It is how we authentically connect with others. It is how we transform challenges into experiences that can help us grow wiser and more capable. It is how we solve big problems.
In today’s uncertain world, however, we’re not doing such a great job with this, especially when it comes to the biggest, most urgent problems that need our attention—for the sake of our well-being and the well-being of future generations. And we are all paying dearly for our silence.
Of course, most of us know that we live in a time of many significant challenges. Threats to democracy. Economic inequity. Technological innovations that put millions of jobs at risk. The loss of women’s right to control their bodies. The resurgence of racism. War. Immigration issues. And the mother of all challenges: climate change.
But there it often ends, more or less, with our uncomfortable awareness that things are not right coupled with our effort to keep on keeping on. So, we keep showing up for work and family—and do our best to shove our concerns about the state of the world into a metaphorical closet.
It’s a reasonable strategy. But it’s not healthy or helpful for individuals, families, communities, or organizations.
When we don’t talk about difficult topics, negative emotions build up that can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and depression. And these mental health impacts negatively affect our physical health, increasing the risk of heart disease and more.
Not talking about difficult topics can also make us feel isolated, something the U.S. Surgeon General called a public health crisis.
It can interfere with our relationships, leading to misunderstanding and a lack of trust. It can undermine our productivity and engagement, something that not only makes achieving missions more challenging but also costs organizations mightily. (Studies show up to one-third of salaries are wasted on disengagement.)
And, perhaps most significantly, not talking about hard topics can keep us from developing resilience and solving the problems we urgently need to solve.
This is abundantly clear in our workplaces. More than 70 percent of people say they avoid difficult topics. That was true in 2009, as Joseph Grenny and David Maxfield, authors of Crucial Conversations, revealed. And it was confirmed in 2019, according to a research report by the coaching firm Bravely, “The Cost of the Conversation Gap on Workplace Health.”
Just what is that cost? Bravely puts it this way: “Decreased engagement, lost productivity, and increased turnover—all of which was costing companies and damaging their culture.”
So, what’s the alternative?
Gateway Conversations
Research shows there are many benefits of conversation — especially honest conversations about hard topics.
A 2023 cover story by the American Psychological Association proclaimed, “Conversations are essential to our well-being.”
If what Bravely calls the “Conversation Gap” negatively affects productivity, culture, engagement, and the bottom line, it is reasonable to think closing that gap can help positively affect those things.
And in their most recent edition of Crucial Conversations, Granny and Maxfield also celebrate that a growing body of research shows these conversations lead to better safety, inclusivity, customer loyalty, and execution of missions.
But here’s the thing: As I see it, we need to think of these conversations as more than “crucial.” I call them “Gateway Conversations” because they can open up so much that we value, including well-being, better relationships, problem-solving, and progress on important missions and goals.
In short, the value to individuals and organizations is much greater than hoping to avoid the discomfort of talking about something hard.
Put another way: Avoidance undermines progress, while effective gateway conversations open up the possibilities we need.
Warmly,
Lisa
P.S. I am offering a new program, “Gateway Conversations: Overwhelm to Impact.”
It’s designed for
Mission- and purpose-driven organizations that want to accelerate progress in meeting critical goals
Leaders who want to help build their team’s capacity to overcome overwhelm and other common pressures and drive impact
Education professionals who are committed to creating empowered learning communities.
To learn more, please book a discovery call.